i think in english. lately, i wish i could think in my real mother tongue. not in those major languages like french, german, spanish, or chinese. my own tongue. sometimes one gets tired of listening to these *toot! (something unkind)* spout the wonders of their language, which, they assert, is a major language on the world stage. i want to go back home and sit next to the south china sea and watch the warm blue waters wrap itself around my ankles. and hear the languages of that country. i want to look into brown faces, into eyes unsullied by cynicism and faithlessness. among the simplest of peoples, it is easy to see why faith does not die.
here, among privileged citizens who know their rights, among people who have never experienced destitution, desperation, and plain fighting for a place in a jeepney or bus, the complacence, the smugness, is suffocating. soft laughter, thin foie gras on biscuits, glasses of wine, all the trappings of life over here. just listen to them deride anything and everything that is 'other' than who or what they are. and oh, listen to them talk ad nauseum about this wonderful expression in this language, or this fantastic place in northern europe, or this obsolete book in some obsolete book shop, or this and that piece of data that's all too intellectual and none too real. watch them devour pages and pages of theory and see them lost in a world inhabited by real people who watch mtv and drool over the latest stars on the red carpet of the golden globes or the oscar's.
pity the mollusk that seeks refuge in its shell only to find itself swooped up into someone's net and sucked out for pleasure in a stiff stuffy restaurant with muted laughter and conversation. where have those nights gone? when one could sit around a bonfire on a tropical beach, san mig in hand, smoke curling lazily to the stars, and talk about politics, one's dreams for the nation, and the hope of helping others in need.
it's just one of those days. or nights. there's this ennui that can't be shaken. it's so tempting to believe that all this world needs is self, self, and self. how tiresome. utterly so. hindi ko makita sarili ko sa salamin. nasaan na ba ako naroon? ay ay gajod.
if something is worth doing, it's worth doing well, baby
7 comments:
the good thing about being in a foreign land is that one begins to appreciate one's culture, language and history all the more. (of course, it also makes us see where we are inadequate but that of course, is another story.) for many people, it is so easy to deride or speak negatively or dismiss the "other" precisely because they are an "other." sadly, this reflects an inability on their part to truly see, appreciate and respect the "alterity" (as emmanuel leivinas would say) of the "other." the thing is the "other" will always be there. that includes those who think so highly of their cultures that they are not able to see beyond themselves and their own small worlds. truly blessed are those who are able to be truly "persons for others" - people who are able to reach out and treat others with dignity and respect. padayon...
sonny
i meant levinas. pardon the error.
sonny
I have endeared always with rant of gentle substance yet it embraces me as if I were in unison in moments with the mind who owns a heart so deeply rooted to the beings she/he actually belongs to. Even if my tongue twisted as I kissed the western dew drops for the taste of their alledged unpolluted mornings, I longed for the simple rain of blessings that nurtured me amidst the chaos and scrambling, to survive, to be the best, to be western. But how I long the torrid kisses of the breeze of my origin, to regain my humble fervor burning, again and again... with heart shining like the ocean that brought jovial smile into my innocence just as they swallowed me with their warmth. In my unmindful drowning, the waves cradled me unpossessively, asking if I would be one with my origin´s nature and giving me wings to fly away and be free. The trough tossed me up high as I flew away and far away, but there is no destination in lifes journeys that leads elsewhere... except HOME.
MAmmI Hush
i would someday love to go to europe, immerse myself in a new environment and in a culture i'm not familiar with. but still nothing beats home.:) there's something about it that will always keep us grounded and living each day with so much hope.
mammi hush, i getcha, loud and clear... now look who's waxing rilke? hmmm? :)
anonymous one, you'll love europe. if only for it's cooler clime. that i promise. and the postcards and movies... they're for real here. :)
cacofonix... sometimes i wonder if i really do want to go home or if i've just built this perfect picture of home in my heart. well, if it is a picture in my heart, then i can always go home, right? hmmm. now THAT made me think again. :)
I always dream about being in another place other than my home. Not that I regret what I have here.. I am truly proud of it no matter how difficult things are sometimes.
Each time I look around and see the usual scenes of people chasing the jeepneys in order to get to their work on time, orphants begging in the streets, or when I pass by people in the carinderias as they gobble on their food and sing their lungs out in videoke.. or whenever I visit remote provinces to free my lungs for a while from the pollution of the metro.. see places like Tagaytay, Boracay or Palawan.. there is only one thing I have in mind "God, this world isn't all perfect but everything you created is just BEAUTIFUL."
I long to see other places in order to praise Him more.. see more the beauty of His creation. I know that life in other continents is also not perfect as how life is here in Manila, but all I know and deeply believe in is that whatever happens to us or wherever He puts us, He only wants us to be happy and be able to experience how wonderful is His gift of life to us.
So, sorry for being preachy ;) but just a friendly advice (even if it may be quite late): Do not look for happiness in people or places or whatever.. Look for God in whatever you lay your eyes on and that will give you true happiness :)
PS. I have been reading your posts and I truly admire how you express yourself with such amazing spontaneity and honesty. :)
yes, i see what you mean. i have major problems with affirmation kasi. i know i shouldn't look to people and places for my sense of worth and happiness... it's really one of my achilles heel things. i don't mind at all that you "preached" a novel (more like the old testament of the bible, hahaha joke). lately, any words of encouragement mean so much to me. thank you talaga. from the bottom of my heart. do email me so i can get to know you better, too. i miss manila all of a sudden. like crazy.
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