father who?

i've been watching presumably older episodes of "the practice" and the last two i saw showed eugene lashing at the catholic church.

some days ago, my family and i were enjoying late afternoon tea in the studio flat of a friend who lives in the building block just across from ours. we were joined by another friend who lived a few doors down from the studio. both of them are priests.

as a catholic, i admitted to them that such shows where there is catholic-church bashing leaves me sad and yet resigned. i personally know many great catholics, whether religious or lay, and to see the church maligned 'across the board', as it were, hurts me. after all, i AM a catholic, and although i can see that there are really some jerky catholics, i can say the same for other people of other religions.

and it dawned on me, like a sunrise, or a creeping shadow as dusk falls softly around me, unnoticed but inescapably present. the stupid mistakes you commit, the silly things you do, will inevitably be tied to your affiliations, the most glaring of which is the religious one.

so when i do something "un-christian", i am bearing negative witness to my faith. makes sense. after all, religions claim a particular brand of lifestyle and lifestyle can only be concretely manifested through acts. this sounds like i'm stating the obvious but can i overdo such a proclamation? it seems that even the most learned among us neglect this deceptively simple truth, for truth it is, and fact, and hard bite of reality.

it is worse for priests. they stand above all other catholics, as beacons and supposedly good representatives of the faith. these figures, much hated in the west but still loved and adored in developing countries, are the principal figures of catholicism. for the lascivious acts of horny, depraved, or perverted men in frock, the entire vocation of the presbyterate is under fire. especially since the most celebrated and public cases come from libel-hungry, media-exaggerating US of A. where else, right?

let's take some pinoy priests i happen to know, and with whom i have had contact that went beyond the "bless me, father, for i have sinned" or "father, hello, need your blessing!" niceties. in the past year, more especially when my pregnancy started kicking in, baby kimi helped me to overcome (initially overlook) the excesses and little irritating acts of what seemed like an elitist group of priests who were looking out only for their own interests. freed from their pastoral duties here in europe, they flit from one filipino community to another, welcomed with much warmth and alacrity by people who hardly have contact with priests in their abroad existence, and eagerly seek the personal and unique touch of a pinoy priest. this goes all very well for everyone involved except that there are some instances of really spoiled behaviour from some of them, who Expect their needs to be served. although their numbers are few, their actions stand out glaringly on people like me, and grate completely on the nerves. (if you want specific examples, email me and i will gladly enumerate, but for this blog, it will obscure my pièce de resistance, hence, the glossing over)

last night, i watched in horrified fascination as this particular priest manifested the worst kinds of behaviour that i would like to coin in the following ways: Sucking Up, Speaking Over Others, and Bullshitting Tactics.

• Sucking Up: as points were presented to the body of students (it was a gathering of students, which he is, like me and the rest assembled there), he would make loud and corny jokes about each point. when one former student voiced her opinion about a particular matter, he immediately --- in a loudly exaggerated voice and theatrical movements --- championed her cause. never mind that it was a point that ran perfectly counter to his previous statements. i stared at him in disbelief. what a sucker! in the back of my mind, i could hear the song, "how much is that puppy in the window, ruff ruff!!!" playing over and over again.
• Speaking Over Others: there was a suggestion for a particular activity, and the exchanges were getting intense. one lay student (not a priest or seminarian) raised a point, the other student priests jumped on it in dissension, and banding together with their loud voices, seemed to forget the point raised initially. another lay student raised his hand to reinforce the first point given, and this particular priest Cut Him Short, perhaps after only the third word uttered. i shot that priest a chilling look and said softly, "let him finish". but since my voice was Soft, i was ignored, naturally. the second lay student renewed his efforts to speak and did so, in a much louder voice than that priest, and pointed out that in fact, the point of the other lay student had not been acknowledged by the body and that this priest had misunderstood the point and was misrepresenting it to the rest of the group. to me, one thing was strikingly clear. this priest was Not Listening to what others had to say. it stood out in my consciousness simply because he had on a cloak of smug superiority that elicited from me the expectation, "for someone who's supposed to be smart, you ought to know how to listen to points. your listening skills suck!" so now he Doubly Sucked.
• Bullshitting Tactics: by virtue of his cutie boy looks. sounds bitter? perhaps. but he knows he's cute. he knows he's charming. so in pinoy parlance, bolero siya. he utters sweet nothings, especially to the lay women students, and bullies fellow students with his charm, which reeks with falseness and hollowness. (again, if you need specific examples, i can provide these by email. i can still remember the BS he gave me when i was new. now he keeps me an arm's length away because he probably knows i have his number and will not hesitate to show him up at the slightest chance. ahahaha) what boosts my case at this point is that several Male students have told me that they, too, have noticed how glib and bolero this priest is, thus reinforcing my initial observations. in my single days, boleros topped my list of Yucky traits in men. this guy has loads and loads of BS in his system. if he had been a lay person, he would have gotten his share of putdowns from more beautiful women than a priest is normally surrounded with, and i hope you know what i mean. but that, they say, is another story..

grabe, pari ka man din. at ganyan kang umasta. people like me don't blindly accept the words of priests, especially when they're not saying mass --- and even if they are --- as gospel truth. i don't know what it is in my background that enables me to see them as ordinary human beings who have to slug it out in intellectual and emotional circles like the rest of us ordinary folk in the world, butthat's how i am. i was educated in a jesuit university and was lucky enough to have steered clear of those priests who had their fan club following of enamoured students and campus ministers, and got to know cool priests who didn't throw their weight around as though they had the right to do so.

this priest, a phd student, prides himself in his sharp mental capacities and articulate use of english. i've read some of his work and listened to him give homilies, both in tagalog and english, and have found him to be rather flowery and excessive in his use of either language. but i don't take that against him. people are entitled to their Romantic tendencies of embellishments and curlicues. i have sat with this priest and told him some of my hurts, confiding in him as a friend, and have seen how he mocked that moment of vulnerability and spread nasty jokes to another priest about that supposedly private session. i have seen through him and i can tell you, dear reader, that with a priest like him, i am privately glad that there is so much animosity in the west against his kind, and understand why the sutana he so proudly donned on his ordination day is sullied by liberal thought.

he is one of many i have personally encountered, but i have singled him out in this entry for the plain reason that he eagerly embraced all the negative attributes of any human being and manifested them in a short period of time. can't apologise for my thoughts and feelings, fr. ______.

father who?