feels unique, only it isn't

wherever i look or turn, i see hordes of people with super duper close family ties.

i have never related to such closeness. the only close family i have is my younger brother. and his wife, who is like a really cool younger sister. my first cousin used to be my best friend but we drifted apart after high school, more her choice than mine. can't blame her, though. she was surrounded by people who kept comparing the two of us. little does she know that my mom, older sister and older brother treat her much better than they do me, so it's par for the course.

it eats me up when these tiny voices of expectation whisper in my ear sweet tempting promises of support. "wouldn't it be nice if..." "what if, for one eensy day, they would show they cared..."

there was mass this evening at the holy spirit chapel. there was a woman there who reminds me of my mom, simply because she keeps me at a distance, the only married student and mother there, while the whole flock of singles are her adopted children. makes me want to cry out, "being married and a mother does not exempt me from needing a mother, dammmmitttt".

then this beautiful offertory song took hold of me with these lyrics, "panginoon, turuan mo akong maging bukas palad... turuan mo akong maglingkod sa iyo... na magbigay ng ayon sa nararapat... na walang hinihintay mula sa 'yo..." [translation: lord, teach me to be generous, teach me to serve you as i should, to give and not to count the cost, to labor and ask not for reward...]

i stared at my palms lying on my lap, just beneath the swollen abdomen cradling kimi within. i so look for them, i thought, i yearn for their love and their support yet it eludes me. so be it. there are other windows through which light and love enter.

during the sign of peace, i wandered among fellow students, kissing and embracing them. my former philosophy teacher, the one who had sent me a sweet mother's day card months before, laid her hand gently on my belly and whispered, "peace to the little one, too." i nearly let a tear slip past. someone had remembered my little kimi. just one, but it meant the world to me.

after mass, i shot my husband a plaintive look to stay just a while longer. i told him, "i want to taste the food they prepared for us..." he didn't look pleased and kept telling me to go home on my own. then mikka, amidst protests from his dad and the other grown ups, took a container of nuts and offered them to me, saying, "let mama eat." my baby, my angel. another tear threatened.

earlier today, V from brussels, a girl with no papers, rang me and comforted me, telling me that she would gift me with some baby stuff for kimi. she is already providing me with a crib, a baby carrier, and a bottle steriliser. i told her, "i'm speechless. these are truly blessings..." and she teased me with, "blessings come to nice people. like you." i chuckled at her sweetness. can it be true? another woman, also without papers, will drop off baby clothes for winter at V's house for pick-up this saturday. so many blessings. so much that it enabled me to share the same things with my pregnant older sister back in the philippines. i told my sister, "i know how it is to be a 'new' mother (this is her 4th pregnancy, but this comes nearly 10 years after the previous one so she feels like a first-time mom again) and to have these things offered is truly grace." if i have to share the bounty in my life, i would like to share it with people i love and who are of my blood.

but that's just me, i guess. the tears have run their course again and the heart is in a strangely calm place. as it always is after a storm.

isn't it strange to feel utterly invisible, especially when you know you've swallowed a bowling ball and no one even acknowledges the many changes taking place in your life? if i stop looking for them, i will see the blessings god plants in the beautiful garden of life, feel the raindrops of love he showers on me each day, bringing life from places i never imagined existed. always teaching me to See, teaching me where to Look and become truly Joyful.