it's a question of trust

fragile like a baby in your arms... be gentle with me... --- depeche mode

my sister in law was the most recent to tell me: stop trusting too easily. the older i get, the harder it gets for me to cope with people's misjudgements and misperceptions of me. the latest kabam that happened had to do with a bunch of people i thought were my friends (in my multiply, they were listed as "friends" instead of "online buddies") and who were quick to believe the word of someone they had never met. without asking me if what they had heard was true, they immediately assumed the worst about me and turned cold. i felt it but i didn't want to assume that they would do something so... well, so silly. after all, we had broken bread together, in the case of the one person who had spread the chismis, we had met twice... but it wasn't enough!

they were content to let their insecurities (that's the only thing i can think of at this point) to get the better of them and for them to just take the easy way out (read: assume Svelte Rogue is the evil, konyotic, elitist, pa-santa girl she is). at a great price: breach of trust and friendship. because through it all, i waited for them, just ONE of them, to ask me how i was (i was sad throughout the entire stupid drama), for the chismosas to ask me if what they had heard was true... but not a word, not even a squeak. then my email inbox exploded with the most horrific letter (this part edited out of prudence --- what i can muster at least*), copy furnished to everyone who had been part of the (edited to:) situation* (except for one girl who was at the heart of their malicious talk). and then to top it off, other people replied to that email, assuming that accusations hurled in that email were true. take this line: i'm sorry, rogue, that you did this... wt(edited to:) hell??? the person who wrote that line has no right to feel sad or what-have-you (edited to: will feel sad, naturally, and it will be partly because understanding was not sought), considering she didn't even bother to ask me what i was feeling, of what had happened. the nerve.

i never replied to that email. let them think what they want. to take back what i wrote earlier, ONE person did ask me how i was. she was the one who told me that there was a nasty email sitting in my inbox... she stayed up with me way past midnight, bearing the initial reactions from me (i thought i wasn't bothered or maybe i was just trying to project that). if anything, for every 10 insecure demons in the dark, it takes only 1 pure angel of light to dispel the malicious murmurings of small-minded people. for that girl, that beautiful angel, i will always be grateful. she may not be my closest friend in the world but she definitely cared enough to ask me how i was doing and expressed concern that this situation might do harm to my baby.

then this is where i made my mistake. i told my true-blue 'friends' about the mess. showed them the email. my rationale? turn to them in need. reaction? the person i knew in real life, whom i had spent a year with in my jvp experience, believed the email accusations (et tu, brute???) and to cut the story short, turned her back on me. in a most unceremonial fashion too, i might add. but i stood silently (well, i did squeak a bit but to no avail). of course she would be hurt by the strength of that email (like i told you, it was edited to: strong) but i had hoped, too much now i realise, that she would see beyond it and see ME. i guess she never got to that point. she just assumed that she had to cut out the person causing the harm and in her eyes, that person was me. even if i had not made any move against anyone at all in everything that had transpired. that's why it was a mistake because i had showed her that email, thinking she would somehow, somehow, see through it.

as i write this now, days after the fact, resignation is sitting serenely in my bones. when i told my sister in law about this most arrogant "friend's" actions, she had the sweetest, blunt words for me: ditch the bitch and move on. :) nothing like family to be on your side when even your real-life friends avoid you like the plague.

so bloggie world, in this space you will read me and most of my thoughts uncensored. for you to enjoy your stay here, it would be best if i didn't know you from real life (doesn't apply to my best friend, family, and cool friends) because knowing you doesn't necessarily mean that we move in the same circles. if you're a blogger, you're either someone who has found me intimidating strong-willed or whatever impression you have based on my use of words (it is my business to wield them). so stay if you wish but please, don't use me for your politics in whatever egroup forum you have. from now on, wala akong paki sa mga intriga ninyong lahat. pati kayong tinuring kong tunay na kaibigan.

so, tuloy ang inuman!!! quarterfinals na ng french open. time to enjoy art in motion.

editing done friday, 4 june 2005. let this be the only thing anyone will ever know about this affair. after this day, i don't even want to talk about this sh*t anymore. it has caused enough hurt and stress as it is (even to well-meaning people). i will say no more.

belated round 3 thoughts

during the french open yesterday, the 2nd day of round 3, i was able to catch two women's singles matches. the first one was an all-russian affair: sharapova versus chakvetadze. a grand slam titlist versus a fresh-faced teenager. both were slim, with long blond hair (the number two seed had hers in a glorious pony tail while the younger player had hers in a thick braid) capped by a visor, wearing crosses on a gold chain. and get this: similar outfits. feminine tennis dresses that highlighted their lean legs and beautiful figures. the only way i could tell them apart was by the colour of their clothes. sharapova was in nike pink while chakvetadze was in light blue. it was quite uncanny. and it definitely provided eye candy to the appreciative members of the audience. i'm sure my dad and brother enjoyed the match immensely, even if it was lacklustre in the area of rallies and winners; it was a slugfest that was lost rather than won. statistics revealed an embarrassingly high number of unforced errors. you can read the story here.

the second women's match was like watching wonder twins power activate. i thought i was seeing double. the split screen with the players warming up for the match showed two women wearing the same grey and white adidas outfit, from the cap to the shoes. both players even had the same length of hair, were wearing similar stud earrings, and sported the same body build (stocky and short). they both had a bit of tummy bulging a little over the mini skirt. it was amusing, to say the least. i later found out it was belgium's pride, justin henin-hardenne, against the hardy spaniard, anabel medina garrigues. i could identify henin-hardenne by the bandage on her hamstring but otherwise, it was difficult to ascertain who was who during the rallies, especially if i didn't know who had served the game. you can read the story here.

all in all, i thoroughly enjoyed what i did catch. the clay courts at roland garros are heating up as we enter round 4. this is still my favorite grand slam event. i've seen priceless matches on this surface, my favorite being the french open finals the year steffi graf retired (right after winning the french open from martina hingis). what a match!!! the german powerhouse in a slim package outclassed the impetuous swiss miss who resorted to all sorts of tricks and tears to win. if anything, it probably also signaled the demise of hingis' career.

pulling the plug

while talking to S over late lunch today, a thought sliced through the emotional fog coating the moment.

scenario: someone is about to pull the plug on you. just as the plug is to be pulled, sparks of life course through your veins. then like a power outage, everything is snuffed out as the plug is disconnected from the wall.

parallelism: just when i had made what i thought were essential or fundamental decisions regarding my relationship with cyberspace, the new sparks of realisations were snuffed out.

some things can't be helped. i can understand and respect the decisions and the motivations behind the decisions. life goes on. and in line with the new outlook towards this mundane space of the internet, this can only flow through me and take everything along with it and leave, in the end, only peace and more wisdom.

upswing

there was this musical we had in high school where we, the cast, were happily belting out the line, "everything's coming up rooooossssseeeeesssss!!!!" oh the fun of those days. my stressors looked like this: choir rehearsal, gymnastics, boy-watching, hang out. there was a scholarship to maintain and which i luckily got to keep for all of 7 years while getting to know some of the brightest people my age. one of them was given an honorary title at rutger's university several years back after he stepped off a ledge and died. he was brilliant, shourjo madhab. so they set up a memorial for him. and he sat next to me in calculus and chemistry IB. his locker was just a few numbers down from mine in the senior lounge and well, he was just such a roly poly geek.

ahhh my mood's on an upswing. parent center has told me that in my 9th week i should expect more mood swings and since i've had practice the last few weeks, i'm getting the hang of it. i just have to shake off my sleepiness in the afternoons and go swimming again, before my tummy pops out. i will have to get myself a sports bikini. i intend to keep swimming until my 8th month or until the doc says i can.

just last week my bike rammed into the rear bumper of this ill (silly) belgian driver who was cutting me off. i swear i flew off my seat and the rear tire of my bike went 30 degrees or so into the air. i thought i would end up on top of her trunk! i remember explaining the road rule of priority to her spaced out-ness. we exchanged numbers but i don't feel like pursuing this any longer. it's not like i'll get anything out of it plus! it's stress i don't want.

my mood is rising... the temperatures have reached the 20s. when i went to pick up my son earlier from kinder class, i felt like a certified MILF. not caring if people saw my slightly protruding belly, i donned a spag strap number and skorts (yes, a wrap around shorts number that looks like a skirt in front). i enjoyed the admiring glances and thought that if i didn't have the giveaway child seat on the back of my bike, i could have turned my arms on the handlebars to exhibit my toned arms further. hehehe the little quirks a crazy girl like me enjoys from time to time. hindi ba naman gaganda muscles ko sa kabubuhat sa 20 kilos na bata at sa pagbibisikleta sa mga pataas pababa dito! hehehe

mas masaya na ako lately and i'm glad. really really glad. hope this continues! as my dear classmate in linguistics loves to say, tata...

heto kayong lahat umph!!!

ang saya saya mag blog, alam niyo yon? nothing beats the amazing concept behind blogging. you can rant and rave and do whatever the hell you want in your own byte of space called the world wide web and no one ought to infringe on your prerogative to just write. bahala na si spiderman kung anong klaseng kalibre mailabas mo sa iyong pagsusulat but hey malay, this is a free country!

sa kabila kong mundo, na-realise ko na kung talagang i will enjoy anything --- and that includes the B word... Blogging! --- i will have to first believe in its goodness, then embrace that belief in order to own it (which means being true to myself and not some gardem hypocrite!), and then pursue it with passion and excellence. in all areas, aba! i see no problems with that because, well, i was made for excellence, i am passion personified, and love (or lust) is my DNA's central code!!!

whap bam boogey... i feel like a dance. yun pa isa. ang sarap sumayaw!!! if there's one thing i love, it's dancing. it's my (not secret anymore) first love, even over singing. but then i think i revealed this in my other blogger account, don sa 100 tips or something, kung magtyaga kayo, makikita nyo ata don, unless i edited it already (i have edited that entry twice or thrice na ata). kapag marunong kang sumayaw at makisayaw, i believe kuha mo na ang secret of harmony. kelangan natutumbukan mo ang natural rhythm ng pakner mo, nakukuha mo ang bawat pintig ng bawat galaw niya at parang nababasa mo na kung san papunta ang sunod na tibok ng kanyang buhay para seamless ang dance step.

ganyan din ang blogging. may pinakikisamahan ka at pag mahanap mo na ang iyong grub (groove yan, mga dahlingz), aba, kahit nakapikit ka o mabulag ka pa, you can dance with your blog-harmo-mates kahit wala pang tugtog. dyan mo lang masasabing masarap mag blog. otherwise, if you have other motives in mind, like pasikat here and there, making talbog the other blogs here and there, making parinig and whatever, sira ang harmoness! sira lahat.

kaya mga kapatid, kung DI lang ang hinahanap niyo, narito lang ako, at your service. come a-knockin' and i'll come a-answerin' mah door. and don't forget the sexy music. favorite ko ang mga latin dances: rhumba, cha-cha, reggae, samba. puede rin sa akin ang foxtrot (ay kilig) at dirty dancing (giling giling). wag lang yung magbabali ka ng buto sa dance floor, di ko yan feel!!!

and before i go, check out the links i peppered all over this blog... ang saya saya, puede mo ring kasayaw ang mga mapupuntahan niyo!!! tulad nga nang sabi ni delish, "alang basagan ng trip!" ha-yaaaah!!!!

weirded out

right now my hormones are playing havoc on my body and emotions. just last night, while writing an email to a good friend (whom i have never met but would love to), tears started clouding my vision and i ended up sobbing on my husband's lap.

i don't know of what i'm scared, really. giving birth alone in a foreign country in the middle of winter could be among the factors... being among fellow filipinos who cannot empathise with my situation as a married and pregnant woman. sigh. i miss my barkada back home. the cyber blogkada i have sometimes aggravates the loneliness and feelings of self-pity. the people in there are very empathetic and sympathetic... but the most i can get close to them is through my keyboard and computer screen. i would give quite a lot just to embrace any one of my fellow berks. talk about wishful thinking.

and my hunger cycle has gone haywire. i get hungry practically every 2 hours or so... but not all kinds of food appeal to me. i've been craving for thai and italian food for the past 2 weeks but the husband has ignored my parinigs and insists on the typical oily filipino fare that turns my stomach! ugh, the sight of so much fat swimming in its own oil is sickening. i would do anything for spicy tom yum soup and chicken pandan... oh dear, this is not making things any better.

enough of this whining.