single yet not alone

i discovered early this month that the real heroes of my world are single mothers. they have to juggle the pieces of their lives and still present a "whole" person to the world. their world revolves around their children, they have their own lives to think about... and frankly, how they are able to put all these into one day is an astounding feat.

i have had to be a single mother for only 18 days this month (i cheated on 2 when i begged my husband to come back from paris following a series of nasty bullying incidents to our son in school and in el shaddai) and although i have had to be so for a little more than 2 weeks, i can say that the experience has stretched me in a way that not even my JVP year did not, when i was single and with my partner from zamboanga.

suddenly i am no longer afraid to stay in belgium until 2008. i have proven to myself, to my husband, and to my son (who needs no proof of my mommy-ness) that i can take care of a household, of another life that depends solely on me, and still manage to get myself out into the world for brief snatches of time. so what if i cannot find the time to read as i would like (i am only a bit more than halfway through tolstoy's chatty anna karenina), or check out the books i need to complete my thesis before january (my promoter will be asking me to go to ghent next week to meet with her and i have read nil on my topic!), or even do a little exercise by way of walking or swimming perhaps (more far-fetched now that we have moved to our new apartment which is farther away from the sports centre than our previous apartment)! there is a full-filling sensation at the end of each bone-tiring day that you have been able to cook, clean up, get the kid his requisite care and tucked in bed with hugs and kisses... i tell you, irreplaceable. completely so.

i would now never exchange such a harrowing month of being a single mom for anything in the world. really. i feel the spoiled pampered lara fading more and more into the corners of the past. for me, this is one of the biggest accomplishments of my life so far, and these are life lessons i never learned from my family, one of the most spoiled entities in the world. now i can tell my kuya (who has had to survive on his own, and in a foreign country, since he was 20), who has been telling me all these years that i lead a spoiled and pampered life, "kuya, i know now what you meant! and i have survived, and will survive more in the days and years to come!"

what more can i say... only this: although single mothers are the unsung heroes in my book, i still do not consider myself among the ranks of those single moms who have actual careers to juggle with their home responsibilities. right now, i am only just beginning to enjoy and learn the ropes of being a housewife, or more aptly, housemom. :)

and here's a little tickler to end my post. mikka has been sick for more than a week with a viral infection that metamorphosed into something bacterial. since S went away to rome last saturday to deliver yet another paper at a nostra aetate conference, i have been cowardly enough to keep mikka next to me at night (even when he insists on lying on his own bed at night), begging him to keep me company owing to my fear of ghosts in our new apartment (i can swear that someone pinched my toes our third night here, and promptly asked a friend priest to bless the house the very next day). i have also used the pretext of being his nurse, administering his needed antibiotics until thursday, to keep him home from school, too. for some reason, i am more needy of his presence than he is of mine. i need my son! i just want him nearby while i am spouse-less this week... and frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn if it makes me look like a pathetic mommy clinging to her eldest child. hehehe basta mahal na mahal ko yang anak ko at ayaw kong mag isa dito sa bahay! pag ok na kami ng resident mumu namin, siguro kakayanin ko nang mag-isa. :)

jing's tag

What are the things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play?

• reading a book, watching a movie, sitting at a cafe

What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level?

• sports, sex (yes jing, me too)

Seven things that scare you:

1. being separated from my son and husband
2. not being able to defend my son should the need arise
3. freak accidents to my son
4. racism
5. if roaches took over the world, especially if i were to see them flying *eeewww!!!*
6. fearless rats staring me in the eye
7. not being able to go home ever to the philippines

Seven things you like the most:

1. spending time with my husband and son
2. doing sports, especially badminton, aikido, swimming
3. same-time orgasm
4. a warm hug from someone you trust
5. getting letters in the post
6. when people ask you how you are
7. hanging out with people whose company you enjoy

Seven important things in your bedroom:

1. a time device of sorts
2. a good bedside book nearby
3. my husband beside me(thing ba siya? ahihihi)
4. nice clean sheets
5. study desk (?)
6. sound system
7. mobile phone

Seven random facts about you:

1. used to think i was lesbian
2. am drawn to calm, quiet, strong, self-assured people, whether in personal life or in sports (or in politics, as it were)
3. want up to 4 kids if possible
4. have square jaws that reminded my late paternal grandmother of jacqueline bisset and jackie onassis (the former whom i saw on tv at the venice fim festival a few days ago --- and man, i look nothing like her!)
5. dance is my first love, not singing
6. play the piano better than i sing
7. used to imagine people walking naked

Seven things you plan to do before you die:

1. visit indochina
2. do a big humanitarian effort
3. get a phd in music
4. send my kids abroad for their vacation or whatever experiences (i can't monopolise all the fun in the world)
5. send people i care about deeply to school, people like rosali
6. change careers
7. publish a book

Seven things you can do:

1. swim 40 laps at 32 weeks of pregnancy
2. fart unashamedly in the presence of close and not-so-close friends (it's my relief and their shame)
3. drive like a maniac --- easily!
4. deliver excellently --- you name it *nax*
5. speak openly about almost anything under the sun without batting an eyelash
6. call a spade a spade when no one else can or will
7. say sorry immediately when i realise i am in the wrong

Seven things you can't do:

1. raise my eyebrows in taray fashion (hence, people think i am not mataray)
2. roll my tongue
3. flick my fingers (in tagalog, pumitik)
4. cry at will
5. tell a lie comfortably
6. sex without love
7. be hypocritical even if the situation calls for it

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:

1. broad shoulders
2. piercing gaze
3. self confidence
4. natural kindness to others, not just to me
5. nice round butt
6. great appetite (if he can eat with gusto, then he'll eat me the same way ahihihi)
7. ability to laugh at himself

Seven things you say the most:

1. what the f**k???
2. there you go
3. oh my god
4. puñeta!
5. never... rarely
6. always
7. cool

Seven celeb crushes (whether local or foreign):
rafa!

DUH!!!

my 2nd name is katrina, which makes my name pretty famous these days, especially to americans, and most especially to those affected directly by the category 5 hurricane that has dubya declaring the last 5 days as one of the worst national disasters. infamy is truly part and parcel of my life, even in something as mundane as a name. [trivia: another hurricane is developing over the atlantic, lee, which is the same name as my brother naman. 'la lang, napaisip lang ako]

these have been my thoughts the past week while following the coverage of bbc, euronews, and cnn on hurricane katrina.

• now that the states has been exposed to a natural disaster of this magnitude, i can't help but think that with all the foreknowledge that a huge disaster is coming, the response of people to prevention has been very slow. in light of all the satellite feeds (something that the tsunami victims did not have, take note), the exhortations from highly placed officials for people to do what they can a week in advance, still, still, hundreds of thousands of people were caught flat-footed by the hurricane, and i mean not only the victims in the affected areas, but by the federal authorities themselves. the response has been horrifically slow, and i say this as a third world citizen, who is used to seeing hundreds of my countrymen suffer yearly from at least 10 typhoons that will visit our shores.
• i thought dubya looked too smug during his consolation speech. first, his vacation was cut short when katrina struck. he knew a week before katrina arrived that this would happen, and yet he went onwards with his vacation. the chief executive of the nation is expected to be empathetic to his countrymen, something that seemed sorely lacking in his response to sheehan, a grief-stricken mother to a marine who died in iraq, who camped outside his vast ranch in texas. then there he was, in his armani suit, surrounded by his equally well-dressed cabinet members with unsmiling faces, speaking in a cocky tone, "i am confident that we will triumph and america will be stronger after this." what of the now, you imbecilic president? what are you doing to address the needs of your people who need you to be visible to them now??? where are you when they need to see you, touch you, hear you? i told my husband, to gma's credit, no matter how much i dislike her, she shows more empathy towards our people when tragedy strikes. after 9/11, bush's image was splattered all over the media in his suckseer coat, communicating the message, "i'm ready to buckle down and work with you." too bad then new york mayor guillani [sorry for the typo, if ever] beat him to the draw and was very visible to the public as a hands on chief who cared for his people. i find that the same illness amongst politicians is staring us in the face: the rich and pampered elite officials are pulled out of their expensive vacations while thousands of their poor countrymen suffer without food and water, among lawlessness and lack of order.
• fuck cnn. this eastern european anchor based in the states was accusing a UN official of the slow response of the international community to this american tragedy, while the US of A is always expected to be at the forefront of international aid when some ailing nation is affected by some disaster. what the fucking fuck??? i want to thumb my nose at these idiotic anchors and do the monkey dance. duh!!! critical thought is certainly not ingrained in this cnn anchor!!! (bring in veronica pedrosa please) the united states is the wealthiest nation in the world, it is the most powerful nation in the world, it can do pretty much what if fucking pleases when it fucking chooses. if that texan president had so willed it, he could have dispatched thousands of troops and resources to the affected areas within a DAY of the hurricane's landing. he can have congress pass $10.5 billion in emergency aid for the simple fucking reason that the united states HAS the funds at its immediate disposal, unlike impoverished 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th world nations like sri lanka, indonesia, india, and what have you out there. how can anyone draw this comparison???

i have lived in the first world for two years and i have seen the gaping disparity in the quality of life of people here and those in my own third world country. i have been blessed to live a sheltered middle fucking class life in the philippines but i have not been detached from the extreme poverty and hopelessness of the people there. in simple matters like water consumption, food choices, or leisure activities, there is truly a great divide between citizens of nations such as the united states and the european union and citizens of southeast asia and africa. the simple fact is: people in the first world have, while people in africa and southeast asia have not.

take this, you arrogant cnn reporter: venezuelan president chavez, that same man your wacko pat robertson ordered "to be taken out because the US has the capacity to do thus" has offered humanitarian aid to be sent to the states, this in spite of his being a staunch critic of bush. chirac, another leader who is often at loggerheads with the policies of the american government, has expressed his sympathy for the american people. if you would only have eyes to see and ears to hear, there do exist pockets of decency, if you would only have the grace to accept such "offers" and not look for money from others where there is none.

so my bottom line is: how can you expect there to be instant aid in $$ terms when most of the $$ in the world are already in the united states??? one big fucking DUH!!!

shit.

post script: to people who cannot understand my point above due to my expletives, get this one thing clear --- i am not writing this against the plight of people who have suffered due to hurricane katrina.