it's a question of trust

fragile like a baby in your arms... be gentle with me... --- depeche mode

my sister in law was the most recent to tell me: stop trusting too easily. the older i get, the harder it gets for me to cope with people's misjudgements and misperceptions of me. the latest kabam that happened had to do with a bunch of people i thought were my friends (in my multiply, they were listed as "friends" instead of "online buddies") and who were quick to believe the word of someone they had never met. without asking me if what they had heard was true, they immediately assumed the worst about me and turned cold. i felt it but i didn't want to assume that they would do something so... well, so silly. after all, we had broken bread together, in the case of the one person who had spread the chismis, we had met twice... but it wasn't enough!

they were content to let their insecurities (that's the only thing i can think of at this point) to get the better of them and for them to just take the easy way out (read: assume Svelte Rogue is the evil, konyotic, elitist, pa-santa girl she is). at a great price: breach of trust and friendship. because through it all, i waited for them, just ONE of them, to ask me how i was (i was sad throughout the entire stupid drama), for the chismosas to ask me if what they had heard was true... but not a word, not even a squeak. then my email inbox exploded with the most horrific letter (this part edited out of prudence --- what i can muster at least*), copy furnished to everyone who had been part of the (edited to:) situation* (except for one girl who was at the heart of their malicious talk). and then to top it off, other people replied to that email, assuming that accusations hurled in that email were true. take this line: i'm sorry, rogue, that you did this... wt(edited to:) hell??? the person who wrote that line has no right to feel sad or what-have-you (edited to: will feel sad, naturally, and it will be partly because understanding was not sought), considering she didn't even bother to ask me what i was feeling, of what had happened. the nerve.

i never replied to that email. let them think what they want. to take back what i wrote earlier, ONE person did ask me how i was. she was the one who told me that there was a nasty email sitting in my inbox... she stayed up with me way past midnight, bearing the initial reactions from me (i thought i wasn't bothered or maybe i was just trying to project that). if anything, for every 10 insecure demons in the dark, it takes only 1 pure angel of light to dispel the malicious murmurings of small-minded people. for that girl, that beautiful angel, i will always be grateful. she may not be my closest friend in the world but she definitely cared enough to ask me how i was doing and expressed concern that this situation might do harm to my baby.

then this is where i made my mistake. i told my true-blue 'friends' about the mess. showed them the email. my rationale? turn to them in need. reaction? the person i knew in real life, whom i had spent a year with in my jvp experience, believed the email accusations (et tu, brute???) and to cut the story short, turned her back on me. in a most unceremonial fashion too, i might add. but i stood silently (well, i did squeak a bit but to no avail). of course she would be hurt by the strength of that email (like i told you, it was edited to: strong) but i had hoped, too much now i realise, that she would see beyond it and see ME. i guess she never got to that point. she just assumed that she had to cut out the person causing the harm and in her eyes, that person was me. even if i had not made any move against anyone at all in everything that had transpired. that's why it was a mistake because i had showed her that email, thinking she would somehow, somehow, see through it.

as i write this now, days after the fact, resignation is sitting serenely in my bones. when i told my sister in law about this most arrogant "friend's" actions, she had the sweetest, blunt words for me: ditch the bitch and move on. :) nothing like family to be on your side when even your real-life friends avoid you like the plague.

so bloggie world, in this space you will read me and most of my thoughts uncensored. for you to enjoy your stay here, it would be best if i didn't know you from real life (doesn't apply to my best friend, family, and cool friends) because knowing you doesn't necessarily mean that we move in the same circles. if you're a blogger, you're either someone who has found me intimidating strong-willed or whatever impression you have based on my use of words (it is my business to wield them). so stay if you wish but please, don't use me for your politics in whatever egroup forum you have. from now on, wala akong paki sa mga intriga ninyong lahat. pati kayong tinuring kong tunay na kaibigan.

so, tuloy ang inuman!!! quarterfinals na ng french open. time to enjoy art in motion.

editing done friday, 4 june 2005. let this be the only thing anyone will ever know about this affair. after this day, i don't even want to talk about this sh*t anymore. it has caused enough hurt and stress as it is (even to well-meaning people). i will say no more.